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Woman - A Chemical Analysis of a Digited, Vertebrated, Mammalian Biped

ELEMENT

Female Human

CHEMICAL SYMBOL

WO

DISCOVERER

Adam

ATOMIC WEIGHT

Accepted as 118 but is known to vary from 100 to 160 (mutations have been known to exceed 400 lbs.)

OCURENCE

Surplus quantities in all urban areas

APPROVED FORMULA

36-24-36

USES

  1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
  2. Most powerful money reducing agent known.
  3. Can be a great aid to relaxation, or a continuous source of frustration.

PHYSICAL PROP.

  1. Surfaces usually covered in painted film.
  2. Boils at nothing and freezes without reason.
  3. Melts if given the proper treatment.
  4. Bitter if used incorrectly.
  5. Found in various states ranging from common ore to virgin metal.
  6. Non-magnetic but attracted to bank notes.
  7. Yields to pressure applied aat correct point.
  8. In its natural state it varies considerably, but the shape is often artificially changed to conform to that of a perfect specimen. Such treatment is only discovered by an experienced eye.
  9. In some instances may start to gain weight and look like they have swallowed a basketball, and then proceed to take on qualities of XEROX machine and reproduce…

CHEMICAL PROP.

  1. Possesses a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones.
  2. Able to absorb great quantities of expensive substances.
  3. May explode spontaneously if left alone with a male.
  4. Insoluble with liquids but activity is increased by saturation in alcohol.
  5. Properties are vastly improved if specimen is placed in the dark.

TESTS

  1. Pure specimens turn a rosey tine if found in their natural state.
  2. Turns green if placed beside better specimen.

CAUTIONS

  1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands, must be used with great care and patience if experiments are to succeed.
  2. It is illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen, but a certain amount of exchange is permissable.
  3. When detaching a permanent specimen get appropriate counsel because SPECIMEN COULD DRAIN THE BLOOD FROM YOUR VEINS INDEFINATELY.
woman.txt · Last modified: 4/03/2016 06:47 by lrosa