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Hotline 5

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              :              HOTLINE! - Number 5              :
              :       (c) 1987 by James A. Zachary, Jr.       :
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There are many calls to the water and sewage department where language and
cultural barriers tend to blur perception.
 
RING!
 
>Southeast Plant, this is Zack.
 
\"IS DIS DA PUBLIC HURTS?\"
 
>Uhhh, yes Ma'am, this is Public Works, may I help you?
 
\"DE MAN DOWN DE STREET, HE TRY TO GIVE ME HIS HARD VIENER!\"
 
>Say wha'?
 
\"HIS HARD VIENER! HE SAY FOR ME TO STOP BY, HE HAVE SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR ME! I
GO DERE AND HE TRY TO SLIP ME HIS HARD VIENER!\"
 
>Huh?
 
\"HE BE STANDING DERE HOLDING IT VITH BOTH HANDS SAYING 'LOOKEY DE SIZE! I GOTS
DE BIGGEST DERE IS! PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH AND SEE HOW GOOD YOU LIKE IT!'.\"
 
>Ma'am please don't go any further ...
 
\"HE KEEP SHOVING HIS VIENER IN MY FACE AND IT TOUCHES ME! IT IS LIKE REAL HARD!
I SEE THE MEAT IT IS GREEN! I SEE THE SKIN IT IS SPLITTING AND DRIPPING REAL
BAD! I SAY 'NO VAY! I NO PUT HARD, GREEN, DRIPPY VIENER IN MY MOUTH!!\"
 
>Ma'am, please listen ...
 
\"HE BE STANDING DERE VAVING IT ALL AROUND. HE SAY I SHOULD JUST LICK IT, AND I
SAY 'NO VAY'! IT HAD BUMPS ON IT LIKE DE VARTS!\"
 
>Ah jeez ...
 
\"DEN HE SAY FOR ME TO FEEL HIS BUNS! HE SHOVE DEM IN MY HANDS AND SAY 'FEEL HOW
WARM!'. I SEE HE GOT SOMETHING GROWING ON HIS BUNS AND DEY SMELL REAL BAD!\"
 
>Ma'am, you are going to have to let me speak ...
 
\"HE SAY FOR ME TO PICK MY OWN BUNS! HE DEN SAY TO OPEN MY BUNS, HE WOULD SLIDE
DE VIENER IN!\"
 
>This is incredible ...
 
\"HE SAY DAT AFTER HE WAS DONE PUTTING IT IN MY BUNS, I COULD PUT DE VIENER IN
MY MOUTH!\"
 
>Ma'am, have you told this to anyone else?
 
\"I CALL DE POLICE! DEY LISTEN AND TELL ME TO CALL DE PUBLIC HURTS!\"
 
>Are you sure? Maybe they wanted you to call Public Health.
 
\"DE OPERATOR, SHE GIVE ME DIS NUMBER AND I TELL YOU!\"
 
>Did the police say why they couldn't help you?
 
\"DEY SAY DERE IS NO LAW AGAINST HARD VIENERS UNLESS DEY MAKES PEOPLE SICK!\"
 
>I think this qualifies.
 
\"I VANT YOU TO ARREST DIS MAN! I BE CITIZEN FOR 25 YEARS AND I NO TAKE GREEN
MEAT!\"
 
>Ma'am, please give your name, address and telephone number and I will call the
police for you. First give me the address of where this guy lives.
 
\"I DUNNO VERE HE LIVES!\"
 
>You said earlier that he invited you over.
 
\"TO HIS DELI.\"
 
>The deli down the street?  AHHHH!
 
\"HE SHOULD BE PUT OUTTA BUSINESS! HE GOTS BAD MEAT AND BUNS!\"
 
>Ummm, so it safe for me to assume that you think his FOOD is unsanitary.
 
\"YES!  HIS BUNS HAVE BAD SMELL!\"
 
>OKAY!  GOTCHA!  Tell, ya what. The police were correct in telling you to call
Public Health ... the operator gave you the wrong number, this is the Public
Works Department. I'll call Public Health for you and explain things first.
Then they will call you back.
 
\"WHO VILL CALL? VAT NAME?\"
 
>A very nice gentlemen named Ali Akbar.
 
\"SOUNDS LIKE ONE OF DEM FOREIGN PEOPLE! I CAN HARDLY UNDERSTAND DEM VEN DEY TALK
!\"
 
>Yes ma'am.
 
\"IS HE A FOREIGNER?\"
 
>Yes ma'am, he is.
 
\"VERE HE FROM?\"
 
>Milwaukee.
hotline_5.txt · Last modified: 4/03/2016 05:23 by lrosa